my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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