I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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