Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
