Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
