smell my finger.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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