the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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