if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
