I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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