I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You left your phone here
Wait...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
