i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
