think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
