woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
