Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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