i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Randomize
