I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
