you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
