and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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