I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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