I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
