and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
