sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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