I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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