Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
we're so committed to being not committed
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
