Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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