you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
