i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
