A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
