Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
