I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
