if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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