This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I lost the right to judge tonight
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
