no one should ever give us hovercrafts
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
