Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
