Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
