No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
