Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
