drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
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