the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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