Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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