new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
