If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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