I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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