Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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