I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
