goodnight i made you a song goodbye
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
