Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize