can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
