Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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