I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
