Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
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I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
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Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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