I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
