Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
