He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
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nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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