I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"