we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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