after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
