I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
