There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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