life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
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