Cold hands, warm shart.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
